You’re Like a Decent Drink: My Worst Date Ever (Story Version)

Disclaimer: This story is an experience that I want to share because I think it’s hilarious, not because I’m salty or hurt. I really just want y’all to laugh at and with me about it.

For the first time in years, I became single again during the summer of 2018. My first date after that went well but nothing came from it since we borderline never spoke again—but oh well, that’s not why we’re here.

We’re here because the next woman I went on a date with was the source of my worst date ever and consequently, the strangest interaction I’ve ever had with another human being.

Context

Knowing that I had some barriers to meeting single women, a friend suggested the dating app, Coffee Meets Bagel. I thought, “fuck it, why not.” So I make an account and get my like on. One of my first matches is an intelligent and attractive black woman with a lot of shared interests who I perceived as a good “normal” person via text so I was 100% onboard with meeting in-person for a date when she felt comfortable enough to do so.

The first date was primarily solid. We shared a meal, roamed downtown Detroit, ate ice cream, hit up a barcade, and had some drinks. I walked away interested in a second date but also slightly hesitant because there were a few moments where I felt negative vibes. I decided to give the benefit of the doubt because I could’ve misinterpreted those moments or there could have been first date nerves on her end. How much can you really learn about someone in just a few hours, right?

We agree to a second date and that too seems to be going well—at first. We had some phenomenal food from Urban Ramen and then decided to take advantage of my newly acquired membership to the Charles H. Wright Museum of African American History (The Wright) with a self guided tour. It was towards the end of that tour where shit went sideways and I felt like I had been dropped into a Saturday Night Live skit.

*fresh prince beat drops*

Now this is a story all about how the date got flipped turned upside down.

And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there

I'll tell you how I lived through a dating nightmare

*fresh prince beat fades out*

Part I - The Beginning of the End

The final exhibit we’re walking through is a really dope showcase of work by African-American fashion designers. We’re the only one’s in this small room so we’re conversing as we look around. Somehow, the conversation went into the subjects of; dating apps in general, Coffee Meets Bagel specifically, and then our first online impressions of each other. How we reached that point is unclear and I don’t remember exactly what I said. However, I know that the description of my first impression was filled with genuine compliments.

In my head—now months later—most of her commentary during this part of the conversation sounds like adults in a Charlie Brown film.

The only words that I can recall are: “I thought you were only cute enough to meet in-person.”

Surprised by that comment, my facial expression briefly becomes confused but I let the conversation continue in a different direction without addressing it. For all I know, she was joking with bad delivery.

Nonetheless, that statement was stuck in the back of my head and there was no way in hell that I was going to end the date without some elaboration.

The date is now wrapping up, so we exit The Wright. After a bathroom break and me listening to roommate complaints, we start walking toward my car. We continue with more forgettable conversation where I’m just looking for a good time to refer back to the “cute enough” comment. I make some sort of transition statement that ended with “since we’re on a second date, I’m assuming that you found me attractive once we met in-person?”

To which she replies “Eh *shaky hand* you’re okay. Some girl out there might think you’re the hottest man on the planet but that’s not me.”

As I’m welcoming confusion back into my brain, I’m also questioning myself about whether or not accepting a second date usually means you’re attracted to the that person.

Part II - The Metaphor

The conversation then turns into “are you having a good time?” I say something about enjoying myself (for the most part) and the second time around being better than the first (pre final exhibit).

When it’s her turn, she says something about our time together not being anything special and follows up that golden nugget with the metaphor on the century:

“So you know how you’re at the bar and you ask the bartender to surprise you with a drink of their choice? They give you the drink and it’s not horrible, not great but it’s good enough to keep drinking anyway. Well that’s how I feel about us hanging out. I’m not having a great time but I’m not having a bad time either.”

This is the point of the story where one of my best friends says that I should have crossed the street immediately or power walked away from her. To be honest, I was just excited that I didn’t have to drive her home.

Part III - The Random Uncertainty

As my car becomes visible from a distance, I’ve never been happier to see it.

We’re about a block away when she says “don’t take my word for anything that I’ve said, I never know what I want.”

For me, those last few steps to the car were filled with;

“Did you just say that?”

And “how does that add up?”

Part IV - The Aftermath

When I finally get into my car, I sit there for a few seconds running back over what had just transpired. That mental reflection catches up to me sitting there and I become so overwhelmed with disbelief that I start laughing hysterically while repeating “bruh what” or “what the fuck just happened” and pulling out of the parking spot. I decide to make an unplanned stop at my mom’s house because I had to tell someone about this...but then I thought, “that’s a whole 15 minutes away and I can’t wait that long.”

So I pull out my phone and call one of my closest friends (who’s a woman) to see if my confusion and laughter were justified...and whatta ya know, she shared the same sentiment.

After visiting my mom to spill the tea and deleting this woman’s number immediately after getting home for the night, I shared this story with others about 10 times in 48 hours.

You may think that 48 hours is random, exaggerated, or oddly specific but, it’s not.

If you have an iPhone and you get a call or text from a number that your phone recognizes despite not being in your contacts, there’s a sarcastically wonderful feature that will provide a “Maybe” contact name.

Well, sometime on the third day following the date, I get a text from “Maybe: (Her Name).” After being salty that Apple ruined my inevitable “who dis?” moment, I decide to put petty aside and engage her just to see where this is going. She tells me that she wants to speak on the phone so we schedule time for the following evening.

The call starts with typical small talk: “hey, how are you” followed by “good and you.”

She then goes into the main conversation with “I wanted to say that I’m kinda sorry for what I said about your looks.” Before she gets to the second ‘o’ in ‘looks,’ I say “uh-huh” in a monotone voice. With a sarcastic frustration laugh she says “don’t do that.”

With a smirk on my face, I just say “okay” because God-forbid I have a have a minor attitude about you disrespecting the hell out of me while wasting my time and money only to then follow it up with a “kinda sorry” apology. I keep that part to myself and let her go on.

She says “I actually do enjoy hanging out with you, I just don’t see us being more than friends. I would like to keep hanging out as friends, if you’re interested but I understand if you’re not.”

I think there may have been more to her statement but the Charlie Brown adults came back into play here.

Exhibit A

Again, avoiding the petty reactions floating around in my head (see Exhibit A), I tell her that I appreciate and accept the apology, “otherwise we wouldn’t be having this conversation. However, the way you treated me the other day was incredibly disrespectful. I have great friends who would never treat me that way and I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life so nah, I’m good.” We say our okays, good-byes, and hang up the phone.

I would’ve been more than happy ending there and never seeing or hearing from her again but I’m somewhat of an empath so the wheels in my brain never stop turning. A few seconds after ending the call, it dawned on me that there’s a million reasons that could contribute to her behaving this way and this could be teachable moment.

I pull the phone back out and text “Maybe: (Her Name)” something along these lines: “listen, it’s not about what you said but how you said it. I know every woman I meet isn’t going to find me attractive and I’m perfectly fine with that but the blatant disrespect you showed toward me is something I’ve never encountered, not even during an argument. It’s also something that no one should tolerate. Take care of yourself.”

Her response to that text let me know that she missed the point but I’ve said my piece. “You take a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.”

Now I had about 10 people or groups to go back and update.

Moral of the Story

• Love yourself enough to walk away from unhealthy relationships that don’t serve you. There’s always someone who will treat you better.

• Go with your gut. Those negative vibes from the first date should’ve saved me time, money, and energy.

• We’re all ugly, boring, etc. to someone. Self confidence is really the only thing that matters at the end of the day.

• Directness and honesty are great but there’s a respectful way to go about. It’s not always what you say but how you say it.

• BE KIND. I’ve developed some pretty thick skin over these 25 years of life but what if that weren’t the case and my outward personality was a facade for extreme depression? Being treated this way could easily push someone over the edge and into self harm or worse.

• Sometimes, dating apps are great, like the married couples I know who met on Tinder. Other times they’re shit. Protect yourself at all times.