Commentary Response: The Joe Budden Podcast
I enjoy the Joe Budden Podcast. Haven’t missed an episode since I started listening at episode 200. Joe, Rory, Mal, and Parks (show hosts) give some great in-depth insight on music as an artform and industry, they introduce listeners to new artists and songs, their opinions are intriguing, and their antics can be quite hilarious. On the show (and presumably in real life), they even make conscious efforts to call out and not perpetuate toxic masculinity, which I can appreciate. Despite all of this, I struggle to listen to them talk about certain topics because they make some problematic side comments that irritate my soul and usually lead to yelling at my phone/car speakers.
Within a 5 minute segment of Episode 222, two of the most frustrating comments I’ve heard on the show were made. Maybe they were just jokes but they seemed to be honest opinion stated in a semi-joking matter so I wanted to take some time to unpack both.
“Niggas in relationships can’t live in their truth...we can’t be ourselves.”
I want to first point out that this comment was made by a newly engaged 38 year old in Joe Budden himself. On a platform as big as his show has, Joe is essentially telling every male listener that in order to maintain a relationship, you have to hide parts of yourself that your partner may not find attractive. I have no way to prove this but I’d venture to guess that there’s are a lot of other men who believe this to be true and act in alignment with that belief.
I beg to differ and I challenge to reevaluate. In my opinion, this is some incredibly counterproductive and toxic bullshit that should be dismantled, not encouraged.
After the comment, my initial thoughts were questions:
What are you hiding?
Why do you feel this must be hidden in order to maintain your relationship?
If whatever you’re hiding is so bad, why not try to improve or eliminate it?
How can you be fully committed to your relationship and your partner if you feel the need to hold back on certain aspects of your characteristics, thought process, personal history, etc.?
This kind of thought process is one of the many things that causes trouble in relationships. Honesty is a MAJOR key and a lie of omission is still a lie. If there’s some part of your being that you feel the need to hide from your partner, you’re not only internalizing something that could be taking up more energy and mental capacity than you realize but you’re also adding to the list of things that could potentially ruin your relationship, a negative on both fronts. If you can’t live in your truth in your own heart, head, and home, where can you do it?
My suggested alternative approach to men: honesty and healing.
Keep it 💯 with yourself and your partner. When you’re ready, address this obvious internal issue—maybe you and your partner can collaboratively work through it, maybe professional help is necessary. Self awareness, understanding, and improvement should be the goal, not hiding. Whatever you do, avoid cutting off parts of yourself from this person who’s supposed to be one of the most (if not the most) important individuals in your life.
Maybe I’m naive for believing a woman will one day love my whole, flawed, and vulnerable self but I’ll be single forever with dogs and adopted children before I turn my back on the principle of full honesty in a lifelong partnership.
“Nigga’s passion only be what pays the bills at the moment...that’s all your passion really is, what’s paying the bills the most.”
In this quote, Mal basically says that majority of people pursue work, ventures, etc. based solely on what makes the most money. Though this sentiment is (unfortunately) not too far off, I still think it shouldn’t be encouraged.
“Real passion cannot be bought or forced—it’s a natural feeling, an itch that won’t go away until it’s scratched.”
The capitalist society we live in tells you that income is a determining factor in your value as a human being. The less you make, the less of a person you are and the more you make, the more important you become to the rest of the world. You’re programmed to believe that adding zeros to your bank account is the primary goal, even if it comes at the expense of your mental and physical health.
This creates a work culture the encourages you to put our dreams and passions aside and pour your entire being into the employer’s goals and objectives—unless, of course, those passions align with your job. Kudos to anyone who has that alignment their life, it’s a beautiful thing and I wish it for all of us but that’s just not the case for most.
The thing about passion is that in its true form, there are few extrinsic motivations involved. A true passion comes from within. It excites you, brings you joy, and makes you want to get out of bed in the morning. Passion can definitely shift—and it should as we learn and grow. While money may make someone believe that they’ve discovered passion, real passion cannot be bought or forced—it’s a natural feeling, an itch that won’t go away until it’s scratched.
I have a few thoughts on suggested alternative approaches:
Remember that you have so much more to offer the world than what’s in your bank account. You have love, knowledge, skills, compassion, time, and more. Despite how much money you have in comparison to someone else, YOU ARE WORTHY AND YOU ARE ENOUGH!
Your mental and physical health have to be a top priority. Without putting intentional work into those areas of your life, you’ll struggle to function properly and work to earn money anyway. Find ways to incorporate passion into your life, make time for the things that bring you joy, and put yourself first. That’s self love and something something you’ll never regret.
If your primary source of income doesn’t align with your passion, pursue an opportunity that does—even if it’s just for fun and experience. For example, writing isn’t the main responsibility of my day job. I receive exactly $0 from this blog or the time I dedicate to it but I love self expression and sharing knowledge, thoughts, and opinions with others so I created an outlet to do so.
If your day job is something you are or became passionate about, hold on to it, continue working to be the best employee you can be, and become an invaluable asset.
Sidenote: It’s crazy ironic how I discussed this topic during my last therapy session and here we are.
Why Do I Care?
I’m not here to drag these dudes, men in general, or anyone for that matter. I’m here to challenge myself and others to self reflect, ask questions, and think differently.
Whether you realize it or not, the society you live in, the people in your environment, and the things you hear have a direct impact on the way you perceive information, process it, form opinions, and act accordingly. Something we need to be intentional about as human beings is questioning ourselves through the lens of self improvement. No one is right or wrong 100% of the time and no one is all-knowing but we can certainly do a better job of challenging ourselves and others.
It’s for these reasons that I’m a firm believer in the statement this tweet makes:
We’re all products of our environments. Those external factors beyond our control shape our lives and become one of the primary reasons why healing is necessary. That healing process includes; looking in the mirror to question yourself, healing wounds, and striving to be the best version of yourself.
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If you stuck this out with me to the end, thank you for your time. Thank you for your attention and for allowing me into your space. I appreciate you for taking the time to read this more than I can express.
PS: This may be the start of me using the comments I hear as prompts to express my thoughts on the respective topics but we’ll see. 🤔
